serious stuff

when people talk 'bout anxiety in the media and films, they mainly focus on the emotional, easy, theatrical being-anxious-thing. portraying the weirdo: easy to understand, even sane. or insane. insane means sexy or threatening when we discuss hollywood. they hardly ever talk about the other real things. the not so nice things.

like when you're unable to get out of bed and the dishes by the sink have been there for a week.

or the small injuries that cover your mouth, lips and tongue for no reason and prevent you from smiling and speaking correctly. those little white injuries.

or the days you're to meet people you love, but you stay home instead 'cause you're simply too afraid and you say nothing and they sometimes get angry 'cause we people can understand certain things with no explanation but it's not that easy.

or this moment when it truly gets better and then you screw things up. actually it's not your fault. actually you don't screw things up by doing someting wrong, but it's almost like that.

or that morning you wake to your horrible self in the mirror and you just can't accept it's 1 p.m. and you've missed class and work once again

or the casual conversation you try to avoid 'cause when other people show affection towards you, when they recognize you as someone valuable and interesting, you just feel like something small and fragile. almost as if they where to find out at any moment.

or the exams you fail even when you master the contents and are able to succeed, all the test dates you just forget.

or the shows, the films, the books you used to enjoy and mean (almost) nothing now. they leave you feeling numb.

you know you've experienced it, you've been there. in the past. and past seems something or someone different from you.

but

still

you are the person you used to be
the person you are now
the future you fight for
even when you simply shop some food
and pick up the phone
and share pizza with a friend
on the sofa you don't dare to leave
and then you show a small part
of the world
you keep inside
___(sharp) pieces
______you keep inside
even when you
just
show
that small
part
of your world

then
maybe tomorrow you'll recall
those memories
of getting outside
on rainy days
and fucking soaked with
a gentle lover,breathing
harshly, somehow
alive